You, on The Hero’s Journey

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I like Star Wars. “The Empire Strikes Back” is my favorite movie. When I hear the word transformation, I think about Luke Skywalker, and unless you’ve been living in a cave since 1977, you know that he is the hero of the first three Star Wars movies.

Here’s a guy that goes from being a whiny, irresponsible young farm boy to becoming the powerful Jedi Knight that brings peace to the universe by bringing down the evil Galactic Empire. Only in the movies, right? Well, not quite.

The story of Luke Skywalker is a story as old as time. (as is the story of the Hobbit Frodo Baggins) It is known as the Hero’s Journey, and it is found in  myths and legends from around the world. The roots of the hero’s journey go back to the ancient wisdom teachings from the earliest of civilizations.

George Lucas, the creator of Star Wars, has acknowledged that he owes a debt to mythologist and author Joseph Campbell, whose theories about the hero’s journey have influenced numerous writers and artists.

Here’s a chart from Wikipedia under “The Hero’s Journey”:

398px-Heroesjourney_svg-298x300

In his book, “The Hero with a Thousand Faces” Joseph Campbell describes the hero’s journey. (Click here for a really cool video regarding the Hero’s Journey and “The Matrix”)

According to Wikipedia: “Campbell describes a number of stages or steps along this journey.”:

  • A call to adventure: The hero, in the ordinary world, receives a call to enter an unusual world of strange powers and events.
  • A road of trials: If the hero accepts the call, he must face tasks and trials.
  • Woman as temptress: The hero will be tempted and must survive a severe challenge. If the hero survives, the hero may gain a great gift, which often results in the discovery of important self-knowledge.
  •  Return to the ordinary world: The hero must then decide whether to return with this gift , often facing challenges on the return journey.
  • Freedom to live: If the hero is successful in returning, the gift may be used to improve the world.

What’s interesting is that this chart looks very similar to another diagram that I am quite familiar with:

TheoryoftheMind1

Coincidence? I think not. Any substantial change or transformation means stepping into the unknown and facing the enemy inside.

Let’s examine the hero’s journey from the perspective of Theory of Mind. The top part of both  circles  is the ordinary world,  the realm of our conscious minds.

As we mature, we are called to adventure. This call is to take responsibility for our lives. This may involve going away for school, getting married, starting a career, or having children. This is a call most of us are willing to answer. Of course, there are challenges, sometimes major.

At this point there is a threshold to cross. We can choose to play it safe, sticking with the known and familiar, stuck in behaviors that don’t serve us, stopped by fear of the unknown. Or, we can choose the path of growth and transformation in an effort to create our lives.

We can choose to delve into the unknown, making a conscious choice to continue along the road of trials in search of a life that is meaningful and worth living, even if the path is unclear. We may realize that we cannot do it alone, and search for guidance in spirituality or religion, seeking out mentors, or being open to help from powers unseen.

In our  journey to create a life, we encounter the road of trials: loss of innocence, loss of love, rejection, disappointment, failure, intense pain, illness. At this point we may be made aware of our own character defects that brought us to this rocky road. These defects can be bad habits or addictions,  mental or physical laziness, or values that are lacking, not clearly defined or not adhered to.

Now we are in the abyss, the realm of the subconscious mind. We may have to fight demons that arise to keep us from moving ahead. We come face to face with our fears and doubts. Our primitive mind will kick in with fight or flight as a last ditch attempt to protect us from the unknown. We will want to turn back or quit altogether.

If  we choose to continue on the path to transformation, a part of us must die. Campbell calls this “Atonement with the Father”. Luke Skywalker,  in his battle with Darth Vader (“Dark Father” representing the evil part of himself) loses his hand and throws himself into the abyss, choosing death instead of surrender to the Dark Side. What dies in us is our identification with our ego, who we think we are, our limitations, our physical bodies.  We become present to who we really are: infinite energy, light, spirit.

We can now enroll our subconscious minds as a helper, as we work to get comfortable with new ways of thinking, behaving, and relating to ourselves. Our true powers are revealed to us: trust, faith, intuition, courage. We have acquired the gifts of wisdom and  foresight. We’ve developed clearly defined values that guide us and that are not negotiable.

We are now transformed, born again, and as such, we may seek to share our learning (the gift) to the world as we incorporate and synthesize our wisdom back into ordinary life.

The hero’s journey is humanity’s struggle to bring order out of chaos. Each of us walks the path of the hero’s journey, whether we realize it or not; in our daily lives, we seek transcendence over the mundane, the petty and the ordinary.

We are all continually called to action, to be great, bold, courageous. We will shy away from this call, yet it is unceasing. Transformation happens when we go boldly where we have not gone before, to quote a phrase, and trust that the universe conspires in our favor.

See yourself as the hero when you feel stuck, beaten, or paralyzed to move forward. You are fighting the same battle that each person fights, travelling the same journey as every human that ever lived. It is the struggle to become more than what we are.

Ted

 Photo by David Johnston
www.dk9studio.com

What About The Voice in Your Head?

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the voice in your head

Photo by Stephen Huber

You have the Voice in your head. You probably know this. If you don’t, you should.

You may be thinking: “What voice? What is he talking about? I don’t have a voice. Maybe he has a voice in his head, but I certainly do not have one in mine.” Well, that’s what I’m talking about. It’s OK, we all have the Voice in our head. Maybe more than one.

This voice in your head goes by many names. Thinking, Monkey Mind, Internal Chatter, Running Commentary, Self Talk. This voice allows us to make sense of our world. We judge, we analyze, we compare. We search for meaning, patterns, relationships. What most people call this voice is Me. I. Myself.

The important thing to remember here is that the Voice in your head is not you, it’s a tool that you use. Just like a hammer is not you.

The problem is, we think the Voice is who we are. Consequently, we believe everything the Voice says.

Did you ever have the experience of saying something out loud, and then you thought to yourself  “That is totally something my (mother, father) would say.”

Is that your voice? Or is it your mother or father’s voice? (or grandmother, grandfather,  teacher, coach, etc.) How much of the voice in your head is really your own? How much of the voice in your head is the voice of someone else?

In my hypnotherapy practice, I call it self talk. The question I ask my clients is: Is your self talk serving you?

Think about it: is the voice in your head supportive? Encouraging? Or, do you call yourself names, even in jest? Have you ever heard the voice say:

  • I am no good at _____
  • I’m a failure
  • I’ll never be able to ___
  • I’m such an idiot.
  • I hate looking at myself in the mirror.
  • Nobody will go out with me because I”m too (old, young, dumb, unattractive, poor, shy, fat, skinny,etc.)

One of the most difficult things for us as modern humans is to get some distance from the voice so that we can observe it.

That’s why meditation can be so valuable. It allows us to set time aside so that we can step back and observe the voice in your head.

Why is that a good thing? Because most of us are slaves to the voices in our heads. Until we can observe the voice with some kind of detachment, it rules us.

Do you want more freedom from unwanted thoughts? More piece of mind? Try this: throughout the day, ask yourself the following questions:

  • What’s happening in my mind right now?
  • What am I thinking now?
  • Why do I think that?
  • How do I know that’s true?
  • How do those thoughts make me feel?

It’s called self inquiry and it’s powerful.

Realize that you create your reality using the voice in your head, with your thinking, thought by thought, sentence by sentence. We end up believing the reality we create, and we act  from these beliefs.

What about that voice in your head? Let it chatter, but don’t believe everything it tells you.

Ted

 

Social Anxiety: How to Feel Comfortable Socially

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Social anxiety

The first time I went to a business mixer, I was so nervous about meeting other people, that after getting a drink, I went and stood in a corner next to another guy who also seemed to have the same problem. That’s where I stayed the whole night.

Have you ever walked into a social situation with fear or dread about what you will say or do in front of other people? If so you have experienced social anxiety. 

Social anxiety is a feeling of discomfort or fear in social situations where a person is concerned about being judged or evaluated. There’s usually an intense fear of what others are thinking about them.

Social anxiety is typically a part of childhood development, and most kids grow out of it. If they don’t, however, it can turn into chronic social anxiety in the teenage years or even into adulthood.

Of course, we want to be sensitive to social norms, and we expect to be judged to some extent on how we are dressed, how are act, what we say and how we interact with others. This is a normal part of the social process. If this fear of the expectation of others becomes too severe it can affect a person’s quality of life.

Social anxiety that is chronic and disabling is called social anxiety disorder. This is social anxiety that interferes with a person’s daily activities. According to Harold Leitenberg in the  (1990) “Handbook of Social and Evaluation Anxiety”, roughly 40 million American adults 18 years or over have an anxiety disorder.

People that suffer from social anxiety usually feel all the symptoms of anxiety including:

  • Rapid heartbeat
  • Sweaty palms
  • Trembling
  • Dry mouth

There is the tendency to have negative and unrealistic thinking:

  • I’m such a loser.
  • Everybody is looking at me.
  • Everybody knows that I’m nervous
  • I don’t belong here.

This leads to unproductive behaviors such as:

  • Arriving then leaving quickly
  • Using alcohol or drugs to cope with social situations
  • Excessive grooming so that they look “perfect”
  • Spending too much  time on phones or devices or hiding in a corner to avoid contact.

Almost everyone can benefit from healthy social interaction. Avoidance because of social anxiety not only leaves one alone and isolated, but can affect self esteem and result in lost opportunities for meaningful personal and business relationships.

You can learn to be comfortable in social situations and release social anxiety. It takes practice.

Here are some tips for dealing with social anxiety.

  • Become aware of when your social anxiety gets triggered. Is it at the supermarket? Parties? Meetings? Get clear about when your feel the most uncomfortable. You can then be better prepared for those situations.
  • Take someone with you. When I got back from the mixer that I told you about, my wife asked me how many people I met. I said “None”. She went with me to the next mixer and introduced me around. It really helped. Find someone that is more outgoing than you are, and have them help you meet people and show you how it’s done.
  • Ask questions. If you are concerned about what to day in a social situation,get good at asking questions. Everyone likes to talk about themselves. Ask questions such as: What do you do? Where are you from? What made you come here today? Get people talking and you won’t have to fumble for things to say.
  • Create a script. Have a script of things you want to say or talk about. Don’t wing it, be prepared with questions you can ask or topics you can talk about.
  • Make sure you eat. Social anxiety can be triggered by being hungry. If you are going to put yourself into a situation where there might be some social anxiety, make sure you eat something before you go.
  • Practice. Find someone you trust and practice making conversation comfortably. Or join  clubs or take classes where you will become “desensitized” to social anxiety through exposure to situations where you will be meeting new people.
  • Mental rehearsal. Before you go into a social situation, imagine yourself feeling calm, relaxed and comfortable. Take some time to relax your body. See yourself having interesting conversations, smiling and having fun.
  • Be realistic in your thinking. Are people really judging you? Is everybody really looking at you? How do you now the other people are better or smarter than you? Examine and try to replace thoughts that don’t serve you with positive affirmations such as “I can do this!”

As a hypnotherapist, I help people deal with social anxiety. I offer a complementary 30 minute phone consultation. If you are ready to release social anxiety, don’t wait any longer. You can contact me by clicking here.

If you want to listen to a podcast of this blog, go to TedinYourHead.com Episode 58

Ted

Photo by Durdana shoshe

Why You Need Discomfort!

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 discomfort

One hot summer day found me at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. I was on a  river rafting trip with Arizona River Runners and 30 other people. My buddy Brian was driving the boat on this 9 day trip down the Colorado River.

One evening after dinner while  people were pitching their tents, one of the passengers came running up to tell us that there was a rattlesnake near the tents. Brian grabbed his “snake tool” and we headed off to capture the snake and relocate him to another part of the beach. A few of the passengers were quite fearful because they had never seen a rattlesnake.

Try as we might, we couldn’t get close enough to snag it. The snake preferred to stay deep in the brush. We assured the frightened  passengers that snakes would rather avoid people and that this snake would try to get as far away from us as possible.

On the last day of the trip, a woman approached me and Brian and confided that she was so uncomfortable with snakes that she had decided to stop drinking  water. Her plan was to get so dehydrated that she would have to be helicoptered  out of the canyon. Temperatures at the bottom of the canyon can get as high as 120 degrees in the summer, so if you don’t drink water you can get dehydrated bad enough that you’ll have to be flown out to the nearest hospital. Cost: $1500 for the ride.

She had a choice: possibly risk her life  by dehydration and pay  for evacuation from a trip which she had already spent a good deal of money, or face her discomfort in order to experience  a once in a lifetime adventure.

She chose to stick it out. She realized that to experience the beauty and majesty of the Grand Canyon from a boat on the river,  she would have to endure some discomfort. Like any wilderness expedition,  a river trip down the Canyon involves blazing heat, sleeping on the ground, no shower or public facilities, and an array of wildlife including poisonous snakes.  At the end of the trip, she shared that it was one of the most incredible experiences of her life. She decided that she could endure some discomfort.

How many opportunities for growth have you passed up because you wanted to avoid some discomfort? How many exciting adventures have you missed out on? How much of the juice of life have you left behind because it might involve discomfort? 

T. Harv Eker says in his book “Secrets of the Millionaire Mind”:  “The only time you are actually growing is when you are uncomfortable.” Where you are now in your life, financially, physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally, is within your comfort zone. To grow, to learn and to change, you need to step out of that comfort zone and get uncomfortable.”

It’s not easy to do something you’ve never done before. It won’t feel right, you won’t be doing it perfect, you will feel out of place, it’s not what you thought. However, with a little consistency and by doing it regularly,  something interesting happens: It starts to get easier. If you persist, something amazing happens. It becomes very comfortable to do it and possibly uncomfortable not to.

This is how habits are formed. You give your(subconscious) mind time to get comfortable with something new by walking through the initial discomfort. Think about the things you want to do but haven’t, like starting an exercise program, taking a class, going on a trip, introducing yourself to someone or joining a club or organization. Is it the discomfort of the unknown that’s stopping you? If you want to move you in the direction of embracing discomfort for growth or learning, here are some things to thing about.

Why Discomfort?

  • Life is not always comfortable. Discomfort will come along for no other reason than the fact that you are alive. Even if you could stay in your jammies  watching tv all day,  you’d still get hungry, bored, etc. What kind of life is that anyway?
  • There are areas of your life where you already accept discomfort because there is a great payoff in doing so. Example: getting up to go to work, going to the dentist.
  • Discomfort by itself won’t kill you. It might make you grumpy, angry, scared, or nervous, but rarely does anyone die from discomfort.
  • You need discomfort. That’s how life gets your attention. You are forced to take action even if you don’t want to. For example: ” I don’t have time to eat but I’m so hungry I can’t think straight.”
  • Discomfort makes like worth living. There is discomfort in uncertainty. But if all you ever had in your life was certainty, you might do something to  screw it up just to make it more interesting. (People do it all the time, for example, creating drama.)
  • You can feel uncomfortable and not let it stop you. When you are uncomfortable in a new situation, simply acknowledge that to yourself. “I’m uncomfortable but I don’t need to let it stop me.”

The reason hypnotherapy is effective in creating change is that it helps your mind become comfortable with the new and unfamiliar. Try this on: every time you feel uncomfortable see it as an opportunity for growth. Embrace discomfort! Welcome it! If you are uncomfortable, it simply means you are alive and growing.

If you just can’t stand the discomfort but have decided that you need it, I can help you. Contact me by clicking here.

Ted

p.s. Feel free to share this with your social media networks using the buttons below. 

Are You a Single Professional Woman with Money Anxiety?

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money anxiety

According to a recent survey by a multinational financial services company, 49% of woman that responded, including high income earners, have money anxiety. They fear becoming broke and homeless.

A professional woman that becomes suddenly single due to death, divorce, or separation can find herself overwhelmed with fear and money anxiety. It can be difficult to focus on financial security because of the demands of work and family.

Being overwhelmed by money anxiety can can lead to three major mistakes with serious consequences:

  • Inability  to address money concerns because of fear and avoidence.
  • Loss of confidence in the ability to create abundance
  • Failing to plan for the future.

Release Money Anxiety!

On February 21st, I’ll be presenting a workshop designed for the single professional  woman on her own on how to release money anxiety and create a “money mindset.”

This event, called “Attracting Abundance: Creating a Money Mindset for Single Professional Women” will be held  at the Fuller Seminary Guest and Conference Center located in Pasadena from 9 am to 12:30 pm. The cost will be $77 dollars to attend. Click here to register.

Participants will discover how to create a “money mindset”; a confident feeling of belief and power that allows you to attract opportunity, wealth and prosperity. With the help of powerful exercises and techniques, you can develop the thinking and actions you need to take control of your financial future and release fear and money anxiety.

In this workshop you will also discover:

  • What money really is and what attracts it and repulses it.
  • How to identify thought patterns, beliefs and habits that are keeping you in stuck in scarcity and how release them.
  • How to release money anxiety.
  • How to quickly develop the habits and beliefs that create prosperity consciousness.
  • How to avoid the most common mistakes people make with money
  • How to become “magnetic” to money and what to do with it.

Click here for more information and to register!

This event is designed for the single professional  woman on her own who desires to release fear and anxiety about money anxiety as well as worry, fear, and negativity about money.

If you are a single professional women dealing with money anxiety, you it to yourself to check out this event. It’s only $77! Click here for more information. Click here to learn more.

Hope to see you there,

Ted

Questions? Contact me by clicking here.

The Mental Bank Program: Rewrite Your Mental Script

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mindcogs

 

So, has much changed since the New Year has started? If not, don’t be too bummed out. If you’ve been reading my blogs for any period of time, you know it’s all about your programming. If you want things to change, you need to change the programming.

So what if I told you that there is a system that takes five minutes a night that would program your mind for more money, more success and more happiness? Would you take five minutes a night and do it?

You might be saying “Sure, I’ll take five minutes a night to make more money, have more success and happiness!”

Well, the reality is, you’re wrong,  you won’t.  And even though you say you want to be more successful, prosperous, happy, that fact is… you don’t. Change can be the hardest thing in the world. Why?

Because of the most  powerful force in human behavior which is….. homeostasis. The innate drive to stay the same.

We see homeostasis in our physical body; if we get to hot, we sweat to cool down. If we get too cold, we shiver to bring our temperature back to where we are comfortable.

Same thing happens in our mind. For most of us, if we are short of money, out of a job, car soon to be repossessed, we become very motivated. However, when things are going well, we have a tendency to relax. Now, consider this: if things are going too well, we may even sabotage our success. Why would  we do such a thing?

Because our subconscious mind knows only two things: knowns and unknowns. What is known is familiar and comfortable, for example, the amount you have in your bank account. What is unknown is fearful to the subconscious, for example, a lottery winner of mega millions who very quickly finds himself back to where he started, wondering “Where did it all go?”

The subconscious mind makes up 88% of your mind. This is automatic behavior. This is your so called “life script.” And every day you wake up you see it: the car you drive, the house you live in, your bank account etc. This is the information that you receive every day that reinforces your comfort level, that is, your “knowns.”

What do we do about our innate drive to stay the same?

The Mental Bank Program

We must work to change incrementally a little every day by sending the subconscious mind different information to get a different result. Putting new information into our subconscious mind can create new “knowns” that are in line with our goals. However, we must introduce this new information in a way that the subconscious mind can understand and take in deeply so that your “ceiling” of success begins to change. The most powerful and simplest way to do this that I have found is through the Mental Bank Program.

The Mental Bank program was invented by Dr. John Kappas, the founder of the Hypnosis Motivation Institute (HMI), the nations first accredited college of hypnotherapy and where I received my training as a hypnotherapist.

You can go to www.MyMentalBank.com and watch George Kappas, director of HMI and son of Dr. John Kappas, present the Mental Bank Program via streaming video. If you are interested in moving yourself forward and beyond your current level of success, performance, wealth or happiness, then I highly recommend this two hour video.

Only a small percentage of people reading this will bother checking out the Mental Bank video, which is why there are so few that are really enjoying the level of success that they would like. I challenge you to take the time to check it out. It’s interesting and informative and George Kappas does a great job making it fun to watch. Let me know what you think about the Mental Bank, OK?

Have a great week,

Ted

Under Pressure: Why You Need It

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under pressure

 

I once had a job once working for tech support for a software company. This software needed lots of support, which the company charged for. My job was to collect credit card info from people needing tech support, then pass them along to the tech support person that would help them.

What they really wanted me to do was to sell plans that allowed people to call in for a certain number of times. All new hires were hired on probation, meaning they could let you go during the probation period. I was told my job security depended on selling a lot of these tech support plans.

So I sold like a fiend. I sold a lot of plans and felt like I was super cool.

On my first review, the boss said I was doing ok, but if I wanted to keep my job, I would have to do better.

I became indignant because I don’t like being under pressure. I felt I was doing great and they didn’t appreciate all the money I was making for them. I decided that if I was going to leave the company, it was going to be on my terms, not on theirs.

Even though being under pressure to perform made me grouchy, I sold even more. I made a bunch of money and when the next review came, they hired me on permanently.

“Wow” I said, “I was afraid I was going to lose my job.”

The boss (who I thought was kind of a doofus)  said “I knew you  were a keeper when we brought you on.”

“Why didn’t you tell me that at my first review?” I asked.

“Well,” he said, “You seem like the kind of guy who is motivated by being under pressure, and I knew I could get more out of you.” Turns out he wasn’t such a doofus after all.

Why Be Under Pressure?

“The only reason gasoline is useful is because of the controlled pressure it exerts within an engine. Likewise the value of water is when it is steam and under pressure in a steam engine. Even electricity is useless unless there is pressure measured in volts. One could come up with numerous examples but the point is that focused pressure is required for successful work… the right kind of pressure at the right time and place and the job gets done.”

~Jed McKenna

They train Army pilots by strapping them into a simulator that resembles the cockpit of an airplane.They are strapped in like they would be in a crash. They have to find their breathing device (a small bottle of air) clear the mouthpiece, breath normally, figure which way is out, release their seat belts, move to and open the door or window, and exit. Talk about being under pressure. Panic and you’re dead.

Don’t be afraid to put yourself under pressure. That is the value of deadlines, target dates and benchmarks. Get comfortable with being under pressure. Apply it at the right time in the right way.

Rock is transformed into diamonds  under extreme heat and pressure. Trees grow strongest under  pressure of weather and wind. The sharpest blade is crafted under pressure of hammer and fire.

How mentally tough can you become under pressure? You probably don’t know. The question is, are you willing to find out?

Ted

 

 

Self Hypnosis: Einstein and Bono Said It Best…

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self hypnosis

Bono of U2 said: “Nothing changes on New Year’s Day.”

Einstein said: “Problems cannot be solved with the same mind set that created them.”

The reason that nothing changes on New Year’s Day for most people is that they try to solve their problems using the same mindset that created them.

Even for those that write down their goals, the best that most seem to manage is a slight improvement of conditions.

For the majority of people though, by March or April, resolutions or goals have fallen by the wayside.

The reason is that decisions and resolutions are made by a very small part of your mind, your conscious mind, which is only 12% of your mind. 

However, if your subconscious mind (88% of your mind!) is not on board with your goals because of resistance or fear, well, it ain’t gonna happen.

To change your mindset means to get your subconscious mind working with your conscious goals and desires, instead of working against them. How to do that?

One very effective way to is to

Take My Self Hypnosis Class Starting on January 24th!

Self Hypnosis for Success begins Saturday, January 24th from 9 am to 10:30 am at Pasadena City College and continues for the next two Saturdays (1/31 and 2/7) . To register, click here.

Learn to use  self hypnosis to create a new mindset for 

  • Success in business and personal life.
  • Beating procrastination and taking action.
  • Feeling less self-conscious and more relaxed and confident in social and professional situations.
  • Relief from stress, anxiety and fear.

Click here to register and you’ll learn

  • How to put yourself into hypnosis.
  • How to use the power of suggestion to get your subconscious mind in alignment with your goals and desires.
  • How to put it all together to create a mindset for success in just a few minutes a day.

Einstein used self hypnosis as did Thomas Edison. Celebrities such as Sylvester Stallone use self hypnosis. Athletes such as Tiger Woods use self hypnosis. They succeed because they are looking for that extra edge. Why not you? Register here for Self Hypnosis for Success.

Nothing changes on New Year’s day unless you change! You can create a success mindset: register for Self Hypnosis for Success starting on January 24th at 9 am at Pasadena City College.

See you on the 24th!

Ted

p.s. Do you know someone that could use this class? Please share using the social media buttons below. And as always feel free to leave a comment, I’d love to hear from you!

Holiday Family Gatherings: How to Stay Sane During the Holidays

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We all want our holiday family gatherings to be times of positive, loving  interactions and of basking in the warm feeling that comes from being with people we love.

However, this is often not the case for many people. For these folks, and maybe you are one of them, these holiday family gatherings can be a source of great stress because of the expectation of conflict and dysfunction. These type of holiday family gatherings have the potential to steal your holiday cheer and leave you in a bad place for weeks.

The truth is that sometimes the people we love can get under our skin.They can say and do things that trigger negative reactions in us such as anger, irritation and sadness, causing us to strike back, making the situation worse.

Politics,religion, and people interfering in your personal life or business are just a few of the triggers that can be the cause of arguments, conflict and tension at holiday family gatherings.

Throw alcohol into the mix and these holiday family gatherings can become volatile to the point that after the party is over, family members are not even speaking to each other.  How to deal with these potentially stressful situations?

The key is to be prepared.  You could simply decide not to go or attempt to fake your own death to get out of it. However, if you do decide to attend your holiday family gatherings, here are some suggestions on how to stay calm and in control.

How to prepare and deal with holiday family gatherings.

1. Have an intention and decide your outcome ahead of time. Be clear about how you want to be at the holiday family gatherings. Have a goal for how you want to feel and respond. Create the outcome that you will leave feeling good about your visit.

For instance, suppose that every time you get together with your mother, you get impatient and frustrated, leaving you to you feel terrible afterwards. Before you see her again, make it your goal to be calm, loving, patient and kind. You might even write it down: “My intention is to be calm loving, patient and kind when I see my mother on Christmas day.”

Of course, you can also have the intention that you’re going to verbally destroy  anyone that attempts to mess with you at the holiday family gatherings, but this is not a good way to stay sane during the holidays.

2. Identify the triggers. Think back to previous family gatherings about what happened that triggered negative emotions or reactions from you. Is it what someone says or does? Is it a particular topic of conversation? If you are aware of the potential negative triggers, and can keep your  positive outcome in mind, you are more likely to stay in control.

3. Have a response ready when these triggers occur. If your outcome is to be calm, centered and balanced during holiday family gatherings, then decide what you will you do when the triggers appear. For instance, when someone brings up that topic of discussion that you know is going to cause trouble, you might:

  • Smile and say, “I really don’t want to talk about that right now.”
  • Excuse yourself and go to the restroom or go outside and take some deep breaths.
  • Make a joke out of it and change the subject.
  • Use the STOP method: Stop, Take a breath, Observe your body, emotions and thoughts, and proceed in a way that honors you, the other and your relationship.

Of course, as a last resort, you can always be prepared to leave if things get too out of hand. It’s a tough choice but sometimes it’s the right one.

4. Create your own positive trigger. This is a technique where you have a “power word”, phrase or a physical action that triggers a positive response. Put yourself into a relaxed state before you go to the holiday family function. You can imagine yourself in a relaxing place, or just breathe and release stress and tension. On each exhalation, say your word or phrase, such as “Calm” or “I can deal with this” or “In control”. Do something physical such as rub your fingers together while you are doing this. The idea is that you form an association between rubbing your fingers/saying your power word with a relaxed state so that when you feel those negative triggers threatening to derail you, you can use your positive trigger to get back to being calm, centered and balanced.

You may not be able to change your family dynamic, but you can always have control over how you respond. This holiday season, see if you can let go of the past, stay in present, and expect only the best from the future.

Need help? Someone to talk to? Contact me by clicking here.

Ted

p.s. If you thought this post was helpful, please leave a comment or share with your social networks.

Holiday Expectations: Staying Sane During the Holidays

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Can you feel it descending upon you?  I’m not talking about a lovely snowfall.  I’m talking about the heavy blanket of holiday expectations that comes around this time of year.

Much of the cause of holiday stress is having to fulfill the holiday expectations of others while hoping to get your own holiday expectations fulfilled.

Here is the good news: you don’t have to do anything.

That’s right. If you want float through the month doing absolutely nothing for the holidays, you have every right.
It’s your life, and you get to say how your holidays show up or not.

Holiday Expectations vs Your Sanity

I contend that your first obligation is to yourself and your own peace of mind and happiness. Especially around this time of year when there is so much emotion wrapped up in holiday expectations, traditions, and obligations.

Remember that when the Grim Reaper reaches his bony hand out to you, and you protest with “Not yet!  I never got to spend Christmas in Sedona like I always wanted to!”, I doubt if you’ll even get the courtesy of  a “Bummer…but it was your life. Uh, time to go.”

Understand that there is a type of hypnosis going on out there, and you better believe much of it is calculated and produced by people that probably get paid a lot more than you or me for the purpose of  getting your money.

The message is powerful and unrelenting in it’s attempt to create holiday expectations:

  • You should spend
  • You should feel this
  • You should do this
  • You should have this
  • Your holiday should look like a Norman Rockwell painting.

Just beware the nature of the Holiday Expectation Beast and if you don’t want to get mauled by it, then steer clear.

Here is where it will also show up: people in your life expecting you to play a role in their holiday productions. The pressure of their holiday expectations may not be so obvious.

The pressure of these holiday expectations can be subtle, so you have to stay aware to avoid getting sucked into putting on the Santa Suit against your will.

The trick here is to learn to say no. Learn to say no to what you don’t want to do. If you can’t come up with a definitive no, then at least negotiate. Make deals that allow you to get the holiday season that you want and avoid what you don’t want. Go ahead and let them call you a Grinch.

The reality is that you are not always going to get your way, especially if you have family, kids, spouses. If you want to spend Christmas day doing yoga and meditating, your husband might may not be in agreement if the kids are hounding him to play Barbies with them.

They key here is to know what you want and state your intentions. “Dear, I would like to spend at least a couple of days at home by myself to stay centered and balanced. How about I do kid duty a couple of days so you can golf?”

But sometimes you just need to put your foot down: “Dad, I”ll come over for Christmas but if you and Bob start arguing about politics, I will leave!” Just be prepared to walk your talk.

And don’t be afraid to go rogue: “Sorry, I’m already in debt up to my eyeballs, so I’m not buying anything for anyone. How about we just spend some quality time together after New Years?”

If you are one of those people that love everything about the holidays, I”m happy for you;  this post is not for you. Go drink some Egg Nog.

If however, you would rather chew on broken glass than hear “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” for the umpteenth time, then take control, make your own holiday or non holiday soundtrack mix, and plug in.

You’re only going to get one December in 2014! Figure out what you want, what you can stand, and what you won’t stand for, then make it a good one. Need help asserting yourself? Click here.

Ted

p.s. I really love hearing from you! Please leave a comment or share using all that cool technology we have now.