How to Get Free from the Shackles of Shame – Episode 455

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Shame. Say the word out loud and feel its intense power. The root of the word shame is thought to come from an older word meaning to cover, as in covering oneself. When we feel shame, we cover ourselves, literally and figuratively. We want to hide from ourselves and others. The lengths we will go to cover and hide our shame can keep us from ever fully living life. It is hard to be happy, healthy and feel peaceful while carrying the ball and chain of shame. In this episode, Ted discusses what shame is, how we can tell if we are impacted by shame, and what we can do about it. If you feel that you are tied up and a prisoner of shame, listen to this episode.

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Shame. Say the word out loud and feel its intense power.

The root of the word shame is thought to come from an older word meaning to cover, as in covering oneself. When we feel shame, we cover ourselves, literally and figuratively. We want to hide from ourselves and others.

Eve was said to cover herself in the Garden of Eden when she realized she was naked. She became ashamed of her natural physical form, the essence of her human-ess. It seems to me that many of us are ashamed of our humanness, either because we are taught that we are essentially flawed, or because we have seen too many of our flaws operate in our lives as in our mistakes, failures and screwups.

When we are shamed as children, we are uncovered, and our error is exposed; “Shame on you!” or “You should be ashamed of yourself.” Yet, like Eve, as children we are often shamed for what is natural to us, i.e picking our nose, touching ourselves, or hitting our siblings because we know of no other way to express our frustration and anger.

The effect of shame, either taken on by oneself or given to us by others, can be subtle but devastating and long lasting. We can end up repressing shame and stuffing it down so deep inside that it becomes covered even to ourselves. Yet, it’s still there, like a monster lurking in the depths.

Yet the impact of this hidden shame, like the word, is powerful. The lengths we will go to cover and hide our shame can keep us from ever fully living life. It is hard to be happy, healthy and feel peaceful while carrying the ball and chain of shame.

We can become shackled by the shame of who are or who we are not, what we do and what we don’t do, what we’ve done or what we failed to do, where we are in life or where we are not. It doesn’t have to come from childhood. In fact, I would say it’s easier to identify and resolve childhood shame than to deal with the shame we accrue as adults, ruled by our personal standards, expectations, and the need to look good.

Shame can be a source of anger, depression, and anxiety. It makes us feel like something is wrong with us, and that can erode our confidence, self-trust and ability to move forward.

In fact, we can become so bound by shame that we stop moving, stop trying, stop expressing, stop loving. We will go into emotional hiding. We will go to great lengths to avoid anyone seeing us for who we think we are. God forbid we are uncovered as a fallible human being. Yet essentially that is what we are. As humans, we will make mistakes, screw up and fail. That’s a given and you know what? It’s ok, even though it doesn’t feel ok at the time.

According to StopItNow.org.uk:

“Shame is the belief that we have done something wrong and that makes us a bad person. Someone experiencing shame may not be able to identify their positive qualities or see themselves in a good light.”

Feeling shame is normal. But if not brought to the light of day and resolved or dealt with, then we are prone to triggering events that lead us down a “shame spiral”. Again, according to StopItNow.org.uk:

• We begin to feel as if we can’t do anything right and that we are a failure

• We start to think that everyone is judging us and dislikes us

• We gather evidence that our thoughts are true

• We have the urge to quit, withdraw or run away

How can we tell if we are prisoners of shame? It can be difficult to recognize, but some of the signs are feelings of:

  •  Defeat
  • Rejection
  • Isolation
  • Self-loathing
  • Low self-esteem
  • Perfectionism
  • Wanting to avoid social engagement/interaction with others

How to get free from Shame

The antidote for shame is always self-acceptance and self-forgiveness. We can strive to accept our humanity, which includes the experience of triumph as well as failure. We must practice self-compassion.

We can seek to understand our shame: where it comes from, its origins. Journaling is very helpful to get clarity and insight into the genesis of our shame. We can also take valuable lessons and wisdom from what happened.

We also need to accept responsibility: we must face what we’ve done. We can make amends, seek absolution, apologize and ask for forgiveness from others as well as ourselves.

It’s freeing to talk about our shame and share our feelings with someone that we trust such as a therapist or friend. Shame dissipates in the light of awareness and sharing with someone who supports us.

And we must be willing to fail again. We must be willing to acknowledge that living fully means often falling short of the mark (the original meaning of “sin”). But first we must be willing to uncover the shame to ourselves, then to another. This takes courage and a desire to be free from hiding who and what we are.

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If you are thinking right now that you might be chained and weighed down by shame, then request a complimentary half hour phone consultation with Ted. You can talk about what’s going on, Ted will  answer any questions you might have, and if you feel that hypnotherapy is right for you, you can schedule your first appointment. Go to https://TedMoreno.com/contact to request your complimentary consultation.

Here is today’s quote >

“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”
~Brene Brown (click on the link for her TED talk on shame.)

Thank you for reading this!

Ted