Is Social Anxiety Holding You Back? – Episode 516

Ted Moreno here, Certified Hypnotherapist and High Performance coach. Welcome to another blog post from the Ted in Your Head podcast.

Thank you so much for being here today. I know there are a lot of other things you could be doing, I appreciate you reading this!

As you might know, I have been a certified hypnotherapist for 23 years. In that time, I have worked with hundreds of people who are struggling with anxiety, fear, negative thinking, bad habits, and the kind of self-limiting beliefs that keep people from living the life they really want.

I work with the subconscious mind, where our deepest patterns, our automatic reactions, and our most stubborn habits live. And by using the tool of hypnosis, I help people update those patterns so that their mind starts working for them instead of against them.

If that sounds like something you could use, stick around to the end and I’ll tell you how to get in touch.

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THE BUSINESS MIXER STORY

I want to start with a story. Because I think it will resonate with a lot of you.

The first time I went to a business networking mixer, I was terrified.

I walked in, grabbed a drink, looked around at all these people laughing and talking and connecting with each other, and I had absolutely no idea what to do with myself. So I did what any self-respecting person in the grip of social anxiety does.

I found a corner and I stood in it.

There was another guy already there. He looked about as uncomfortable as I felt. We kind of nodded at each other. And that was about as social as either of us got the whole evening.

I went home and my wife asked me how it went. I told her it didn’t. She looked at me for a moment and said, okay, I’m coming with you next time.

And she did. And she introduced me to people. And she showed me how it was done. And it made all the difference in the world. Thank you wife!

I share that story because I want you to know that social anxiety is not something that only happens to shy or timid people. It happens to hypnotherapists too. It happens to people who eventually learn to be comfortable in social situations. And it is something that can absolutely be overcome.

WHAT IS SOCIAL ANXIETY?

Let’s talk about what social anxiety actually is.

Social anxiety is a feeling of discomfort or fear in social situations where a person is concerned about being judged or evaluated by others. It’s the fear of humiliation and embarrassment. At its core, it is the fear of what other people are thinking about you. Am I saying the right things? Do I look okay? Are people noticing that I’m nervous? Do I belong here?

It is incredibly common. According to research, roughly 40 million American adults have some form of anxiety disorder. And social anxiety is one of the most prevalent forms.

It typically shows up first in childhood. Most kids experience some degree of social nervousness, and most grow out of it. But for some people, it persists into the teenage years and adulthood. And when it does, it can become a real obstacle to the kind of connection, opportunity, and success that most of us are looking for.

And here is the thing about social anxiety that I find particularly interesting. We are wired for connection. Human beings are social creatures. We need each other. We thrive in community. And yet for so many people, the very thing they need the most is also the thing that scares them the most.

That is a painful place to be.

THE PHYSICAL AND MENTAL EXPERIENCE

Let me describe what social anxiety actually feels like, because if you experience it, you know it is not just a thought. It is a full body experience.

Physically, you might notice a rapid heartbeat. Sweaty palms. Trembling hands or voice. Dry mouth. A general feeling of being on high alert, like your nervous system has decided that this dinner party is actually a life threatening situation.

And then there is the mental side. The internal monologue that runs on a loop.

“I’m such a loser. Everybody is looking at me. They all know I’m nervous. I don’t belong here. I have nothing interesting to say. Why did I even come?”

Sound familiar? If so, you are in good company. Because that internal critic is one of the most common features of social anxiety. And it is also one of the most treatable.

THE PHONE HIDING PROBLEM

I want to talk about something that has become increasingly common in social situations. Something that I think deserves its own conversation.

Hiding out on your phone.

You know what I’m talking about. You walk into a social situation that feels uncomfortable, and instead of engaging with the people around you, you pull out your phone. You scroll. You check messages that don’t need checking. You pretend to be incredibly busy and important. Anything to avoid the discomfort of actually talking to someone.

And I get it. The phone feels like a safe place. It is familiar. It is comfortable. It does not judge you or evaluate you or make you feel awkward.

But here is what hiding on your phone is actually doing.

It is reinforcing the anxiety.

Every time you reach for your phone instead of engaging with the social situation in front of you, you are sending a message to your subconscious mind. You are telling it that the situation is dangerous. That people are a threat. That the phone is safety and the room is not.

And the more you do that, the stronger that pattern becomes. The anxiety does not go away. It gets bigger.

I also want to point out something that might be a little uncomfortable. When you are on your phone in a social situation, other people notice. And the impression it creates is not the one you are hoping for. It signals disinterest. Disconnection. Sometimes even rudeness, even though that is absolutely not your intention.

The phone has become the modern version of standing in the corner. And just like standing in the corner, it keeps you safe in the short term and keeps you stuck in the long term.

So the next time you feel the urge to reach for your phone in a social situation, I want you to try something different. Notice the urge. Take a breath. And instead of reaching for the phone, look around the room for one person who looks as uncomfortable as you feel. Walk over and say hello. Because I promise you, they will be relieved that you did.

HOW SOCIAL ANXIETY HOLDS YOU BACK

Let me talk for a moment about the real cost of social anxiety. Because avoidance feels like relief in the moment, but it comes with a price tag.

On a personal level, social anxiety can leave you feeling isolated and alone. You might crave connection and community while simultaneously avoiding the very situations where connection happens. That is an exhausting contradiction to live with.

On a professional level, social anxiety can be a serious obstacle. Networking, presentations, meetings, job interviews, client relationships, all of these require some degree of comfort in social situations. And if social anxiety is getting in the way, it can directly impact your career and your income.

And then there is the self-esteem piece. Every time you avoid a social situation because of anxiety, a part of you knows you backed down. And that can quietly erode your confidence over time.

The good news is that avoidance is a learned behavior. And learned behaviors can be unlearned.

INTROVERT VS SOCIAL ANXIETY

Before we get to the tips, I want to make an important distinction. Because I think it is one that gets confused a lot.

Being an introvert is not the same thing as having social anxiety.

I am more of an introvert myself. I genuinely enjoy quiet time. I prefer a good book and some music to a crowded party. I recharge by being alone rather than by being around people. And that is completely normal and healthy.

Social anxiety is different. Social anxiety is not a personality preference. It is fear. It is the avoidance of social situations because they feel threatening or overwhelming. It is the physical symptoms, the negative self talk, the hiding in corners and behind phones.

An introvert can be perfectly comfortable in social situations, even if they prefer not to be in them all the time. Someone with social anxiety is not comfortable. They are scared.

And if you are an introvert with social anxiety, you can absolutely learn to be comfortable in social situations while still honoring your need for quiet time and solitude. The goal is not to turn you into a social butterfly. The goal is to give you the freedom to choose.

8 TIPS FOR DEALING WITH SOCIAL ANXIETY

Okay. Let’s talk about what you can actually do. Here are eight practical tips for dealing with social anxiety that I have found genuinely helpful.

The first one is to become aware of your triggers. Get clear about which situations trigger your anxiety the most. Is it parties? Networking events? Meetings? First dates? The more specific you can be, the better prepared you can be. Mental preparation is everything. When you know a challenging situation is coming, you can prepare for it instead of being blindsided by it.

The second tip is to take someone with you. Just like my wife came with me to that second business mixer and introduced me around, having a wingperson can make an enormous difference. Find someone who is more outgoing than you are and let them help you navigate the room. Watch how they do it. Let them introduce you to people. You will be surprised how much easier it is when you are not going in alone.

The third tip is to ask questions. If you are worried about what to say in social situations, here is the simplest possible solution. Ask questions. People love to talk about themselves. What do you do? Where are you from? What brought you here today? Get people talking and you will not have to fumble for things to say. You will look genuinely interested and engaged, because you are.

The fourth tip is to create a script. This sounds a little formal, but it is incredibly helpful. Before you go into a social situation, prepare a few topics you can talk about, a few questions you can ask, a brief and interesting way to describe what you do. Practice saying these things out loud at home. The more familiar the words feel in your mouth, the easier they will come out in the moment.

The fifth tip is to make sure you eat. This one surprises people but it is important. Social anxiety can be triggered or intensified by low blood sugar. If you are heading into a situation where anxiety might show up, eat something beforehand, even if you do not feel hungry. Something with protein is ideal. Do not walk into a networking event on an empty stomach and wonder why you feel terrible.

The sixth tip is to practice. Find someone you trust and practice making conversation. Or better yet, put yourself in situations where you will be around new people regularly, so that the exposure itself begins to desensitize the anxiety. Toastmasters is a wonderful organization for this. It gives you a supportive, structured environment to practice speaking and connecting with people. You can find a chapter near you at Toastmasters.org.

The seventh tip is mental rehearsal. Before you walk into a social situation, take a few minutes to close your eyes and imagine yourself there. See yourself walking in feeling calm and relaxed. See yourself having easy, interesting conversations. See yourself smiling and enjoying yourself. Feel what it feels like to be comfortable in that room. This is not wishful thinking. This is how the brain works. The subconscious mind does not distinguish between a vividly imagined experience and a real one. So give it something good to work with.

The eighth tip is to be realistic in your thinking. Here is a question worth asking yourself. Is everybody really looking at you? Are people really judging you as harshly as you think? The honest answer, in almost every case, is no. The reality is that most people in that room are thinking about themselves. They are worried about how they are coming across. They are hoping someone will talk to them. They are in their own heads just like you are. When you catch yourself in negative self talk, try replacing it with something more realistic and encouraging. “I can do this. I have interesting things to say. People enjoy talking to me.” Affirmations like these, practiced consistently, can genuinely shift the internal dialogue over time.

HOW HYPNOTHERAPY CAN HELP

I want to spend a moment talking about how hypnotherapy can be particularly effective for social anxiety. Because this is an area where I have seen some really remarkable results with clients.

Social anxiety, at its root, is a subconscious pattern. It is a deeply ingrained response that was learned at some point, usually early in life, and has been reinforced over and over again through avoidance and negative self talk. The conscious mind might know perfectly well that the party is not dangerous. But the subconscious mind has a different program running. And it is the subconscious mind that wins almost every time.

Hypnotherapy works directly with the subconscious mind. In a relaxed, focused state, we can begin to update those old patterns. We can desensitize the anxiety response. We can replace the negative internal monologue with something more supportive and realistic. We can use mental rehearsal techniques, similar to what I described in tip seven, but in a much deeper and more targeted way.

Many of my clients have experienced significant relief from social anxiety after just a few sessions. Not because hypnotherapy is magic, but because it addresses the problem at the level where the problem actually lives.

If you have been struggling with social anxiety for a long time and feel like nothing has really worked, hypnotherapy might be exactly what you have been looking for.

(For a complimentary phone consultation, reach out to me at tedmoreno.com/contact-us/)

Let me bring it all together.

Social anxiety is incredibly common. It is not a character flaw. It is not a personality defect. It is a learned pattern of fear and avoidance that keeps you from the connection, opportunity, and joy that you deserve.

And it can be changed.

Whether you start by taking someone with you to that next event, or by putting down the phone and introducing yourself to one new person, or by trying mental rehearsal before a social situation, or by reaching out for professional support, every step you take toward engaging with the world instead of hiding from it is a step toward freedom.

You were made for connection. And the world out there is waiting for you to show up.

Just a reminder that you can watch this on video here at YouTube. Or, Listen to this podcast on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Soundcloud.

I will leave you with these words from Eleanor Roosevelt:

“You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.”

Until next time, remember: your mind is powerful. Use it on purpose. And take care of yourself, because the world needs the best version of you.

Ted