Lately I’ve had more than a few people come to me for help with mending their broken hearts.
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Some had been left by the person they were in love with or married to. Others were cheated on. Still others were led to believe that there was a promising relationship happening only for the other partner to say no it’s not going to happen, leaving the client disillusioned and heartbroken.
If you have ever had these experiences, (and if you’re my age, which is 63, there’s a good chance that you have), you know it can be one of the most painful things to endure. Almost as painful, or perhaps, even more than the death of loved one. Let me say that if you’re going through something like this or if you have in the past, you have my deepest compassion.
I’ve shared my own experiences in this podcast over the years and it was one of the most difficult things I’ve had to deal with it. It took a significant amount of time to heal and it took a lot of work. So, I understand the pain. Fortunately for me, I bumped into a few people that had wisdom and similar experiences, and I had a community around me that allowed me to find my footing and heal. I’m happy to say that when I did, I was bigger, better, stronger, wiser, more mature, and more ready than ever to negotiate a relationship with my own personal power and confidence intact, which I certainly did not have in the relationship that I’ve described in the past.
Here’s some things that you can do right away to help you start healing and feeling better.
The first thing is to accept what’s happening. This is hard because every fiber of our being wants it to be different. We might have had dreams, plans, and a future that now, is no more. As soon as you can, accept that this is what life has given you. It sucks, I know, believe me I know. We can only deal with what is.
Next, realize that healing takes time. It’s a process and there’s no way to avoid feeling crappy or being in physical or emotional pain. You must tell yourself that you’ll get through it and be ok. You will feel so many different emotions such as
loneliness, humiliation, rejection, disappointment, sometimes even relief to be done with it. Be patient and gentle with yourself and do what you can to put one foot in front of the other.
The process is called grieving. Give yourself time and space to grieve. Cry if you need to and then, get up and take care of some business. Don’t have the expectation that you are just going to jump right back into life and be ok. You won’t. This is a wound which requires time and effort to heal.
Try to avoid doing things that make the healing worse, like following the person on social media or texting them. Don’t look at their photo, put that away for a while until later. After my big bad breakup, the most useful thing I heard was “No contact”. Don’t call, don’t drive by their house, don’t spy on them. There was no texting back then, but if there had been I would have been advised not to text. That was so helpful and allowed me to begin healing.
Remember that grief must be expressed, don’t keep it in. Crying is an important part of it, but also, talking to people about how you feel. Usually, the best person for this is a professional. If you have friends that are willing to listen just be aware of how much you’re dumping on them. Journaling can help but talking to a person is better.
Psychotherapy or hypnotherapy can be really helpful in understanding what happened and how you can prevent the same thing in the future. I realized that a large part of the problem in my breakup was me, so I began exploring my own lack of self-esteem and my controlling nature with a support group as well as a psychotherapist. That might’ve saved my life.
If you get depressed to the point that you can’t function, consider medication. There is no shame in taking meds short term to assist you in your healing. Do your due diligence though when seeking this option.
It’s important to move your body and get exercise. Emotions such as grief and loss are felt in the body. We don’t want them to get stuck in the body and that’s why movement can be so helpful during these times. Even just walking or riding a bike can be very therapeutic. Consistent yoga practice can help you reconnect with yourself.
Be intentional about getting back to yourself. Get back to doing the things you like to do. Many people give these things up when they get in a relationship. Get back to enjoying being with yourself. Re-connect with who you are. See if you can be ok with being alone, maybe for the first time. Don’t go jumping into another relationship to distract yourself because then you risk breaking someone else’s heart.
Get your stuff in order. What have you left on the back burner of your life? What did you stop paying attention to? Your family? Your friends? Your health? Your job? Get back to the job of living.
The next thing can be helpful, literally: Help someone and find a way to contribute to others. Volunteer. If you are focused on helping someone else, you are less focused on your own situation. Not only that but it feels good to help people. As rough as it might be for you, there is always someone out there having it a lot worse.
Try to find the lesson and the meaning. This takes a bit of time, but I would suggest to you that these life episodes can be transformative. It was for me. Growth, strength, maturity, and wisdom are all powerful things that you can gain from the pain and disappointment. Use it all to become better.
Lastly there are so many resources online. Search for the NLP technique called “Mending a broken heart”. You can use it on yourself. There are a lot of really good videos that can be incredibly helpful.
Let me leave with you a quote:
“Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” — Marilyn Monroe.
Thanks for listening and please take good care of yourself.
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P.S. If you are struggling with a broken heart and need some help in healing and getting back on your feet, I invite you to book a complimentary consultation with me so that we can explore if working together is your best path forward. To request your complimentary consultation, go to https://Tedmoreno.com/contact and I’ll get back to you in 48 hours to schedule that consultation.