Your Beautiful Life

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I awoke in a tent on a beach on a desert lake on a Sunday morning. Not yet sunrise, there was a silent light, barely interrupted by the notes of moving water. A few stars still floated in a purple sky.

I crawled out, splashed water on my face and put coffee to boil on the camping stove.

I put on a life vest, tucked my ipod into my pocket and my earbuds in my ear, and placed the box with my camera in the red kayak. I got in and shoved off into the still waters of the cove.

I paddled a little ways from the shore, then put up my paddle and drifted. The water was dimpled and translucent like the glass in your bathroom window. In a kayak you sit below the surface of the water, it cradles you and you let it rock you, up and down, back and forth. The high tips of stark mountains far in the distance were lit by fire and a faintish pink colored the surface of the lake.

I’ve been to this cove now, what, 9 or 10 times? We always camp at this cove, it’s like home now. On the beach, three tents, two still occupied.

My ipod sang:

I come back here sometimes
Angels fall fireflies ascend out
Beyond the aching skyline
Reckless distances erupt in intoxication

I drank heavily what was before me and something shifted. I pulled out my camera and took a few shots. Then I put it away and started taking pictures with my mind. I was under the influence of immense gratitude.

Ah gimme gimme good water,
Ah gimme gimme gimme good water

It was good water. I was given good water.

I realized then that I was being given so much more and this realization shook me like a wave.  I was being given all of creation, in all it’s magnificence and glory. I was being given a life by life itself and life poured over me and into my eyes, into my ears and settled into my arms.

And in that moment, it was enough. It was all I needed or even wanted. I felt as if I had been given a gift so precious and sweet, that nothing else mattered. I had that moment, it was mine and it was enough just to be there. (Life: “Moreno?” Moreno: “Here!”) In fact, it was so much more than enough; it was all I could ever ask for.

Tears came to my eyes, I must admit to you now. I was held by water, sky and mountains and they spoke to me and said “It’s ok, son.” I was them, and they were me, and it was so very ok. It was a transcendence, a showering of grace. I went looking one morning and I found it, by God, in that quiet speck of infinity.

There once was a note pure and easy
Playing so free like a breath rippling by

I knew then. I got it. I became fully and totally present to my wonderful, beautiful, miraculous life. It didn’t matter how much money I had or didn’t have, how much time I had or didn’t have, how much pain and happiness I’ve had or didn’t have. In that brilliant, holy moment, I did not care because I was in love with f**king everything.

I’m glad I’m alive am I
I’m glad I’m alive
I’m glad I’m alive
I’m glad I’m alive am I

Can you see it now? Can you look out the window and see it? Can you look in the face of the person in the cubicle next to you and see it? Can you see it in the veins on the back of your hand or can you feel it by putting your hands on your face or heart? Can you feel it when you think of the first time your rode a bike or ran through a sprinkler on a summers day, gardenias blooming madly? Can you affirm it when your crusty eyes open and the first light of a new day kisses your brain? It’s there, it’s always there, you always have it, the profound and unfathomable beauty and mystery of your walk on this wonderful earth in this beautiful place at this miraculous time.

You don’t need to do anything or go anywhere or buy anything or be anybody. Everyday it’s gifted to you until it’s not. You don’t have to climb for it, dig for it, fight for it or drift to it. Just look for it, here, now. I wish I could give it to you but you just have to look for it.

But the only thing I have to give
To make you smile, to win you with
Are all the mornings still to live

All the mornings still to live.

To listen to a podcast of this blog, go to my podcast TedInYourHead Episode #81

17 replies
  8. Rebecca
    Rebecca says:

    Water is what we float in until arrival so the peace is the connection between the knowing of true peace before we forget along the way and space in time like that you felt is what all of need do reconnect the knowing of peace & beauty within

  9. nicole
    nicole says:

    I love you, cousin. Thank you for sharing. Reading this just made my evening, and I am enjoying the great links too.

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