How to Keep from Pulling Your Hair Out When Things Don’t Go Your Way – Episode 467

We know that life is not fair. We know that things don’t always go as planned. Yet in spite of knowing this, when things don’t go our way we get angry, frustrated, and upset. That’s ok, these are normal reactions unless our negative emotions overwhelm us, shut us down or create greater problems for us such as self-blaming, shaming and not feeling adequate. How do we keep from pulling our hair out when our expectations for what we want or need are not met?

In this episode, Ted talks about how we can approach those times when life is not predictable or fair. While acknowledging that no one likes when things go wrong, this episode provides some thought provoking ideas that you can implement right away that can make it easier to deal with the unplanned, unexpected and unwanted circumstances of life.

 

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The other day my college student daughter was trying to do something on her computer and it wasn’t working out for her. The internet was too slow, or she couldn’t figure out how to do what she was trying to do, or the computer didn’t like her and had it in for her, something like that.

She was beside herself with frustration and anger. I saw what she was going through and I tried to calm her down. I told her that things weren’t always going to go her way, and that frustration and anger didn’t help.

She wasn’t really interested in hearing my words of wisdom.

A couple of days later, she told me that one of the brake lights on her car was burned out and could I help her change it. I said sure. We got into the trunk of the car and with some difficulty I pulled the old light bulb out of the taillight housing and put in a new bulb. Easy peasy right?

My daughter said, “Let me put the bulb back in so I can learn how to do it.”

I said “No, I need to be done with this so let me do it.”

To put the bulb socket back in the taillight, you need to position it in there in just the right way, then twist it in just the right direction and I’m trying to do this all bent over in the trunk and I can’t really see that well so I’m holding a flashlight and I’m trying not break the damn thing and I just kept on struggling to put it in and my kid was like “Dad let me try” and I was like “NO!” and I kept struggling but couldn’t do it and I finally gave up and said “Shit!! Why do they make these things so hard! These stupid auto makers want you to go to the dealer so they can charge you a hundred bucks to put a damn bulb in Jesus, Mary, Joseph give a break here!!”

While I was ranting and fuming my daughter got in there and put the bulb in easy peazy lemon squeezy.

She put her hand on my shoulder and said “Dad, things aren’t always going to go your way. Anger doesn’t really help.”

Life just ain’t fair is it?

I guess that’s the point: It’s not always going to be fair. Things aren’t always going to go your way. Many things will not go as planned.

You know this. I know it. But I still want it to go my way. In fact, I expect it to go my way. I want traffic to get out of my way so I can drive fast and get there quickly. I want people to do what I want them to do, I want things to work the way they are supposed to work, I want lines to be short, the baristas at Starbucks to be fast and I want everyone to go away when I need alone time, and I want them to be with me when I don’t. We all want these things even though we know they don’t work like that.

So, why do we get so frustrated when things don’t go our way?

Because we have expectations that are often not rooted in reality and when reality doesn’t conform to our expectations, we feel a loss of control and as human beings we are wired to try to have as much control over our lives as possible.

When we make plans, we become emotionally attached to the outcome. We imagine and we dream how good it’s going to be when that person we want to be with wants to be with us so that we can sail off into the sunset and when that doesn’t happen it hurts. Disappointment doesn’t feel good.

We always want to have good feelings and when we don’t have the good feelings we expected, we get upset, frustrated and angry.

Then we start blaming. We’ll blame the computer, the car, the government, the partner or spouse, or the boss. Or we might start blaming you know who: ourselves. Self-blaming, self-shaming and negative self-talk just add fuel to the fire. We can get so twisted up that what started as a minor snafu can turn into a major fustercluck. Can you relate?

If we’re already stressed, something going wrong can trigger major frustration and really shut us down. That’s when we’ll turn to you, you know, pick your poison, whatever your go-to is that makes you not feel. Booze, drugs shopping, whatever.

So how can we keep from pulling our hair out when things don’t go our way?

First of all, unless you are a Zen master, you’re probably going to feel negative emotions when your plans fall through. It’s called being human. The key is to manage those emotions so that they don’t control you or overwhelm you.

Start with examining your own expectations. Are they reasonable? If you don’t know, ask someone who is not afraid to tell you the truth.

If you expect people and circumstances to always be what you want them to be, you are setting yourself up for frustration. Ask yourself “What am I trying to control that simply will not be controlled.” Like traffic. See if you can adjust your expectations for people and things to be more in line with reality. It’s not easy but it’s worth it.

Next, take a good look at how you react to things that go wrong and ask yourself “Is that really who I want to be? Angry? Frustrated? Blaming and Shaming? Yelling and screaming and cursing? Is that what I’m aspiring to? If not, consider that you can react differently. Practice stepping back and away from the situation so that you can get some detachment and view the situation differently.  Be clear as to who you want to be in the face of challenges: Determined? Courageous? Persistent? You get to decide.

Next, you want to ACT. I read a post on Hub Pages that said ACT stands for Acquire Conscious Thinking. If something goes wrong, what can you do to fix it or make it better or prevent things from getting worse? Dispense as quickly as possible with unnecessary emoting and do something. Focus on a solution rather than being frustrated about what’s not working for you.

Also, how about being more flexible? Be like a palm tree. Palm trees are flexible. They bend when the wind blows but they don’t break. Are you too rigid? Too attached to the outcomes you expect? You know, sometimes when life blows us in a different direction than the one we want to go, we often find new possibilities, new paths, and new ways of seeing things. Be willing to bend because it makes life a lot more interesting and fun and a lot less stressful.

It’s also helpful to plan for the possibility that things WILL go wrong. For instance, keep cash on you just in case the credit card reader at the gas station is out of order and you’re running out of gas. Or just keep extra cash on hand in case you need it.  Use your phone to take photos of documents that might be a problem if you can’t find them when you need them. Keep an extra pair of shoes in the trunk of your car or an extra sweater. Have a spare charger cord for your phone or even a portable charger when you might not be able to get to an outlet. Carry a spare key for your car. Make sure the store you are going to is open. Simpe stuff like that.

One of the most important strategies to keep your hair is to plan for not having enough time. Always give yourself extra time to drive or to do a project or complete a task. There’s something called “Hofstadter’s Law,” which states that “It always takes longer than you expect, even when you know that it always takes longer than you expect.” This is also called “planning fallacy”, where people tend to underestimate the time needed to complete a task, even if they’ve done it before.

Finally, when things go south, when plans unravel, or even when life takes a devastating turn, the truth is that at some point, we have to find a way to accept what’s happened. And I’m not saying that’s easy—because it’s not. But acceptance can bring a kind of peace. It helps us find our footing again so we can start moving forward.

Now, I want to acknowledge something important. In my last podcast, I talked about emotional healing from catastrophic events like the Los Angeles fires. And let’s be real—losing your home or someone you love isn’t just a minor inconvenience. It’s not just “something that didn’t go your way.” It’s life-changing. The kind of loss that leaves ripples for years to come.

But even in the deepest grief, there’s still room for hope. We can honor what we’ve lost while also finding ways to manage our emotions and take small steps toward rebuilding. It doesn’t mean forgetting or pretending everything’s fine—it just means believing that, somehow, we can keep going.

In closing, I want to remind you that when we make plans or set expectations, our subconscious mind gets a clear picture of how things should unfold. This sense of predictability helps us feel safe and secure. But when things don’t go as planned, that sense of security is disrupted, triggering our fight-or-flight response. In those moments, we might lash out or shut down. However, if we allow ourselves to expect the unexpected and have backup plans in place, we can navigate these bumps in the road more effectively and find our way back to a calmer, happier mindset.

Let me leave you with two quotes, the first by a guy named John Lennon:

“Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.”

This next one is by pastor, author and educator Charles R. Swindoll,

“Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.”

If you feel that your subconscious mind is reacting in a way that feels out of control when things go wrong in your life, hypnotherapy can help you deal better and feel better. Reach out for a complimentary phone consultation by going to TedMoreno.com/contact. I’ll get back to you within 48 hours to answer any questions and schedule your first session.

If you want to read this podcast go to TedMoreno.com/blog.

If you want to watch this podcast on YouTube, go to @TedAMoreno.

And if you enjoy what you’re hearing today, please like this episode, leave a positive review or share this episode over Social Media.

One more thing: this episode is dedicated to my younger daughter, who used to pull her hear when things didn’t go her way. She has learned not to do that anymore and I’m so proud of her.

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Watch Ted in Your Head on YouTube: https://youtu.be/Vog_d33ATlU

If you feel that your subconscious mind is reacting in a way that feels out of control when things go wrong in your life, hypnotherapy can help you deal better and feel better. Reach out for a complimentary phone consultation by going to https://TedMoreno.com/contact. He’ll get back to you within 48 hours to answer your questions and schedule your first session to start making it a lot easier to deal better and feel better.

 

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